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So, years ago, I devoted my entire existence to sexual conquest. It's pretty common, particularly for gay meth addicts, to just obsessively cycle through one hookup to the next, trying to stay high and get more sex.

As a general bottom with storied experience with the D, I figured that I was up for any challenge. I was a professional, so I thought.

I meet a fellow on Adam4Adam who claims to have a footlong penis. I think it's bullshit: I know that most penises online are around eight inches and in reality they're more like six.

So, I'm guessing that this guy is just exaggerating to try to rope in hungry bottoms. I figure, at best, he's nine inches and just exaggerating.

Male ego and all that. So I invite him over. You good? Something like that. He very clearly asked me if I could really take it.

I confidently invited him over. I got really high, and I was half expecting him not to show up based upon the fact that he was advertising something so ridiculously over-the-top.

He did, in fact, show up. He's scrawny, like 5'9", maybe pounds soaking wet. I'm like, Well, the proportion would make an average dick look huge anyway, so that probably helps him too.

He tells me to start sucking his dick. It flops out. It's incredibly large flaccid — like nearly actual inches.

I'm ecstatic. It's clear that he's hung. So, I'm working on this thing and it just gets bigger. And bigger.

Finally, he's like, "Lemme get dat ass. He wasn't exaggerating. The thing was a solid foot long, like as long as my ulna.

Its thickness was proportionate too, meaning it was like a goddamned soda can almost, but not quite. I tell him I need to ride it to get used to it; he agrees.

So, there I am, straddling this scrawny guy with this humungous penis. I couldn't even get the head in.

Bear in mind that I'm high as balls on meth again, I'm in recovery. We tried for about 10 minutes. He started getting soft.

I felt incredibly demoralized. He gets ready to go, grumbling really nastily the entire time, calling me a punk, a bitch, etc.

It's clear that he was very frustrated and this was a common occurrence. I was sort of scared — not that he'd rape me or anything, but that he'd beat me up.

He left. I felt incredibly demoralized, like I failed at my one primary objective. I never heard from him again.

The more that I think about this, the more I think this poor guy, like, NEVER got to have intercourse because of how freakish and physically impossible it was.

Rather sad if you think about it. I slept with a guy with huge balls. The first or second time we slept together, he must have noticed me staring, because right away he was like, "Yup, those are some huge balls, aren't they?

Don't worry, though, it's cool. An ex was really concerned and made me go to the doctor about it. He told me I was in the 99th percentile, but totally healthy.

Lesson: If you're chill about your weird junk, it won't seem so weird. OH, also, this guy was bicycle rickshaw driver rider?

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He very clearly asked me if I could really take it. I confidently invited him over. I got really high, and I was half expecting him not to show up based upon the fact that he was advertising something so ridiculously over-the-top.

He did, in fact, show up. He's scrawny, like 5'9", maybe pounds soaking wet. I'm like, Well, the proportion would make an average dick look huge anyway, so that probably helps him too.

He tells me to start sucking his dick. It flops out. It's incredibly large flaccid — like nearly actual inches.

I'm ecstatic. It's clear that he's hung. So, I'm working on this thing and it just gets bigger. And bigger. Finally, he's like, "Lemme get dat ass.

He wasn't exaggerating. The thing was a solid foot long, like as long as my ulna. Its thickness was proportionate too, meaning it was like a goddamned soda can almost, but not quite.

I tell him I need to ride it to get used to it; he agrees. So, there I am, straddling this scrawny guy with this humungous penis.

I couldn't even get the head in. Bear in mind that I'm high as balls on meth again, I'm in recovery. We tried for about 10 minutes. He started getting soft.

I felt incredibly demoralized. He gets ready to go, grumbling really nastily the entire time, calling me a punk, a bitch, etc. It's clear that he was very frustrated and this was a common occurrence.

I was sort of scared — not that he'd rape me or anything, but that he'd beat me up. He left. I felt incredibly demoralized, like I failed at my one primary objective.

I never heard from him again. The more that I think about this, the more I think this poor guy, like, NEVER got to have intercourse because of how freakish and physically impossible it was.

Rather sad if you think about it. I slept with a guy with huge balls. The first or second time we slept together, he must have noticed me staring, because right away he was like, "Yup, those are some huge balls, aren't they?

Don't worry, though, it's cool. An ex was really concerned and made me go to the doctor about it. He told me I was in the 99th percentile, but totally healthy.

Lesson: If you're chill about your weird junk, it won't seem so weird. OH, also, this guy was bicycle rickshaw driver rider?

I went home with a guy I met in the drink line just kidding, it was on Grindr! He used to be a stripper at Austin's finest tacky gay bar, [redacted to preserve the privacy of the enormous penis-haver], had the body to match, and was apparently into me, so I naturally packed him into a cab and bolted.

When we got home, I grabbed his crotch while we were making out and was truly shocked by the dick I found. I have SEEN a fairly wide variety of dicks, including a fair few bigger than mine as someone with a B-student penis , but I have never seen a dick this big.

Its size is now sort of a legend in my mind, but I truly remember it as about the size of a Gillette [shaving cream] can.

It was my first time seeing a dick that size outside of porn. I can't deny that it was a really pretty, perfect penis, and its size made it just tantalizing — like a Wayne Thiebaud pie or some similar overextended food metaphor.

In what I would discover to be great hubris, I went down to try to blow him, and could barely get past the head. He was cool about it, and cool about the remaining sexual encounter, and I finished him off with a handy.

The bad part? I googled him after he left the next morning, and it turns out he was a real-life [redacted], prominently featured in an HBO documentary.

I was dating a guy with an EP enormous penis who said that condoms hurt his EP so much that he conveniently could only use this one brand with a "brownish box" whose name he couldn't remember.

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